Emotional Regulation in Children

Learning how to regulate feelings in childhood is what allows our kids to cope with anything life throws their way in adulthood.

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

14 min read

As parents, we want our kids to grow into confident, resilient, and empathetic adults. And when it comes to instilling these qualities in our kids, there’s no skill that matters as much as emotional regulation. Why? Learning how to regulate feelings in childhood is what allows our kids to cope with anything life throws their way in adulthood.

As a parent, you can think of yourself as your child’s emotional regulation coach. When kids act out of control, it’s because they feel out of control—not because they want to be “bad.” The inconvenient truth is they don’t yet have the emotional regulation skills to handle their tough feelings in a safe and healthy way.

How do you help your child learn to manage tough feelings? We’ve got you covered. We’ll discuss what emotion regulation means, why it matters, how children develop it, and practical strategies you can use in your home to build emotional resilience starting today.

What is emotional regulation in children?

Emotional regulation in children is the ability to manage emotions in a healthy and adaptive way. It involves learning essential skills like identifying feelings, expressing them safely, and coping with challenging situations. Parents play a pivotal role in teaching their children these skills and guiding their emotional development.

When parents lead with both warm empathy and firm (not scary!) boundaries, children feel secure and learn that their emotions are, in fact, manageable and safe. Empathy and boundaries lay the foundation for emotional regulation and overall well-being throughout a child’s life.

You might see “emotional regulation” sometimes referred to as “self-regulation,” but it’s important to differentiate between the two. Self-regulation involves three skill sets that allow us to manage what we feel (emotional regulation), think (cognitive regulation), and experience through our senses (sensory regulation) in any situation, so we can plan our behaviors and react in a healthy way. Although emotional regulation is just one aspect of self-regulation, it’s a critical factor in determining how we think and behave.

Healthy relationships with family and friends

Emotional regulation is a key part of healthy relationships with others. After all, almost all close relationships will involve tough feelings like anger, jealousy, or insecurity at some point. Emotionally regulated kids are able to experience these emotions without being taken over by them. These skills make it possible for them to feel tough emotions and express themselves calmly instead of through mean words, aggressive behaviors, or meltdowns.

School readiness and academic performance

Emotional regulation is a critical skill for school readiness and academic performance, too. When kids are able to regulate their emotions, they’re often better able to concentrate, focus, and engage in the learning process.

Emotionally regulated students have higher frustration tolerance, which allows a child to keep trying when things feel hard—whether it’s reading their first chapter book or working on a tricky math problem. Emotional regulation is also a key aspect in executive functioning, which is what allows kids to pay attention, manage their behavior, and control their impulses in the classroom.

Behavior and impulse control

Kids with emotional regulation skills are more capable of responding to struggles with intention instead of reactivity. Rather than immediately acting on an urge, they learn how to take a step back, check-in with their feelings and needs, and respond in a calm way.

For example, let’s say a child’s younger sibling grabs a toy out of their hand. Responding with reactivity would look like hitting their sibling and grabbing the toy back, while a regulated response would look like taking a deep breath, recognizing an urge to hit, and asking for the toy back.

Age-appropriate levels of independence

Learning how to manage distressing feelings helps children become more confident in navigating daily challenges and decision-making processes, such as exploring their surroundings, trying new things, and taking on age-appropriate responsibilities.

Essentially, kids who are able to manage their feelings are better able to work through problems on their own—a skill that will support them through adulthood.

How do children develop emotional regulation?

Learning emotional regulation is a long-term undertaking that requires time, effort, and encouragement.

While children can start developing emotional regulation skills at an early age, the truth is that kids need support from adults for years before they’re able to regulate their feelings on their own.

A patient and supportive environment, where all of your child’s emotions are welcome and safe, will help your child learn to navigate their intense feelings. As parents, it’s our responsibility to create this environment through consistent coaching, routines, and interactions that build resilience. Before we can teach our kids to tolerate their emotions, we have to develop tolerance for all of our kids’ big feelings ourselves. After all, kids can only learn to tolerate emotions that we tolerate in them.

Most importantly, remember that helping your child manage their big feelings isn’t “reinforcing bad behavior.” You can offer their emotions warm, loving validation and set firm boundaries around behavior.

What can parents do to help children regulate their emotions?

The first step in helping your child regulate emotions is showing that you can handle your child’s big feelings. Demonstrating that your kid’s emotions aren’t “too much” and don’t overwhelm you is crucial, because kids can’t learn to tolerate feelings we don’t tolerate in them. Sitting with your child’s emotions might sound messy, and it is—especially in the beginning. But it’s essential to building the emotional resilience that will enable your child to regulate their feelings calmly on their own.

Think about this way: Kids are born with the ability to feel every emotion, but none of the skills to manage them. This leads to dysregulation, which happens when our feelings overpower our ability to manage them. Co-regulation involves countering your child’s dysregulation by showing up as a sturdy, calm adult for your child.

When you co-regulate, you give your child evidence that regulating feelings is possible, even when those feelings seem too big to handle. By regulating your own emotions surrounding your child’s feelings, you help your child develop the mindset that feelings are normal and manageable. Yes, it’s hard, and it takes time. But it works. One 2022 study found that reacting to a child’s emotions by offering support, validation, and problem-focused strategies is critical to the child’s development of emotional regulation skills—and there’s plenty more research to back that up.

Here are three ways to practice co-regulation:

1. Demonstrate emotional regulation skills

One of the best ways to practice co-regulation with your kid is by modeling emotional regulation skills with the Acknowledge, Validate, Permit (AVP) strategy. AVP involves acknowledging a feeling, validating why you feel that way, and permitting its presence. This deshames emotions by helping you and your child remember that there are no “bad” feelings, we just need to learn how to manage them.

Let’s say your child is angry because screen time is over and you put their tablet away. Here’s how to use AVP in that situation:

Acknowledge your child’s emotion: “I see that you’re angry about screen time being over.”
Validate the feeling by making the connection between the emotion and the situation: “It’s hard to stop doing things we like to do, so it makes sense that you feel this way.”
Give them permission to feel the emotion: “You’re allowed to be angry, and we’ll get through this together.”

It might feel counterproductive to teach your child this strategy, instead of trying to shut down the negative response. The reason it’s so important is because it helps your kid understand that big feelings aren’t wrong or unmanageable.

2. Be responsive and empathetic to your child

Being responsive and empathetic to your child means recognizing the feelings underneath their behaviors, while establishing safety in the moment. When you respond to your child's emotional needs with empathy and boundaries, your child learns how to express their emotions in healthier ways.

Let’s say your child throws a block at their sibling. Instead of saying, “Look at your brother! You hurt him. Why would you do that?”, try this:

Set a firm boundary: Say, “I will not let you throw blocks.” Move in and remove any block from their hands, and take them away from the area immediately. A firm boundary is a form of love, a way of essentially saying to your child, “I can see you’re unable to keep yourself and others safe. I will help you.” You may need to take your child to a separate room and sit with them.

Model empathy: Say, “Something was hard for you about sharing blocks. I believe you. Next time you’re upset, you can throw outside—not at people. I’m going to stay here with you until you can calm your body down to play again.” Your own regulated presence is the key to restoring regulation.

3. Provide sturdy leadership

Sturdy leadership is the ability to see and care about our kid’s emotional storms without getting swept up in them or taking them on as our own. Our kids need us to be in-control, sturdy leaders when they feel out-of-control.

For example, if your child has a tantrum, you can be a sturdy leader by recognizing that your child’s feelings are real and that your child’s feelings aren’t a barometer of your parenting.

One of our favorite ways to put this into practice is by using the Two Things Are True (TTAT) framework: “Two things are true: My kid is overwhelmed and I am a good parent. I can cope with this.”

Foster your family’s emotional regulation skills with Good Inside

Emotional regulation is the foundation for healthy emotional management for you, your child, and your entire family. With the above strategies, you can teach your child to allow, manage, and express their feelings—the foundations of life-long emotional resilience.

Good Inside is a global parenting community founded by mom of three, clinical psychologist, and #1 NYT best-selling author Dr. Becky Kennedy that equips millions of parents with a new way of seeing and solving challenges at home. Featuring a library full of workshops, scripts, and strategies for every situation, a community of like-valued parents, and live events with experts, Good Inside will help you become the parent you want to be in the moments that matter most.

Intro
What is emotional regulation in children?
How do children develop emotional regulation?
What can parents do to help children regulate their emotions?
Foster your family’s emotional regulation skills with Good Inside

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