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How to Discipline Your Child: 6 Ways That Work

Effective discipline isn’t about punishing kids to correct “bad” behavior. It’s about teaching kids the skills they need to improve behavior in the first place.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

13 min read

How to Discipline Your Child: 6 Ways That Work

Intro

Time-out. No screen time. Dinner without dessert. If you’re like most parents, you’ve threatened your kid with one (or all!) of these consequences at some point. Then the next week, they’re back to screaming “I hate you!”, throwing blocks, and hitting their sibling… and you’re back to making threats. This punishment cycle doesn’t feel good to you or your kids, but you’re understandably frustrated and unsure of what else to do. 

We’ve been there and we have good news: There’s a better way. 

The truth is effective discipline isn’t about punishing kids to correct “bad” behavior. It’s about teaching kids the skills they need to improve behavior in the first place. When you approach discipline from this lens, you’ll not only reduce hitting and screaming—you’ll wire your child with critical life-long skills like empathy, resilience, self-awareness, and more. 

This is how we approach everything at Good Inside: Our strategies for everyday parenting moments simultaneously build the skills kids need to thrive as adults, too. With that in mind, let’s explore why punishments don’t work—and what to do instead. 

6 healthy child discipline strategies

Kids are born with all of the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings. When a child yells, hits, or misbehaves, they’re actually showing us that they don’t have the skills they need to manage how they’re feeling in the moment. As parents, our job is to teach our kids the skills they’re missing—not punish them for lacking those skills.

Now, don’t worry: Approaching discipline from a place of teaching, not punishing, doesn’t mean letting your kid “get away” with harmful or inappropriate behavior. It means embodying your authority as a sturdy leader and building your child’s emotional regulation skills to change behavior in the long-term. This is the approach that will help them learn to speak respectfully to their boss, navigate conflict with friends, and communicate their needs to a partner as an adult.

So, where do you start? Here are six healthy discipline strategies you can use both inside the moments of tough behavior and outside of these moments.

1. Give consequences a second thought

The first and most important strategy: Rethink the value of threats and consequences. As parents, we usually turn to punishment because we want our kids to learn that there are consequences in the “real world.” If your child yells at their boss in their first job, they could lose their job. They need to know that, right? 

Well, here’s the thing: We can either teach our kids that there are consequences to yelling… or we can teach them how to manage their frustration so they won’t get to the point of yelling at their boss in the first place. We would much prefer the latter. 

So, next time your child hits, kicks, or misbehaves in some way, recognize the urge to give a consequence and instead ask yourself: “What skill is my child missing right now? What is happening underneath this behavior?” 

Remember: Our kids’ struggles on the outside mean they’re struggling on the inside. Their struggles are cries for support, not punishment or shame.

2. Set boundaries

So, what can parents do instead of consequences? Replace them with firm boundaries and connection. 

When our kids act out, we have to be the boundary for our child that they can’t yet be for themselves. When we follow these boundaries with connection, we reflect the best version of our kids back to them. Here are two examples of how to put this formula (boundary + connection) into action: 

Instead of “Stop throwing blocks or you’re going to your room!,” try this:

  • Set boundary: “I won’t let you throw. I’m going to put the blocks away until you can calm your body. 
  • Connect: “You’re a good kid having a hard time.”

Instead of “If you don’t clear your plate, no iPad tonight!,” try this:

  • Set boundary: “I know clearing your plate is no fun, and in this family, everyone clears their own plates.”
  • Connect: “I know you’re a responsible kid who can do it.”

3. Redirect problem behaviors

Once you’ve set a boundary, you can redirect your child to safer, healthier ways of expressing their emotions. 

If your child was hitting their sibling, you might say, “You’re allowed to be angry, and sometimes this anger needs to come out in hits. Like I said, I won’t let you hit your brother or other people, but you can hit this pillow. Let me know when you get all of your hits out. I’ll be right here until your body feels calm.”

Redirecting teaches your child to listen to their feelings and find healthier outlets for expressing them. 

Want more alternative strategies to threats and consequences? Check out our workshop Why Punishments Don’t Work and What to Do Instead to learn how to effectively change behavior in your home.

4. Spend one-on-one time with your kid

While it may seem simple, spending quality time with your child outside of tough moments has a huge impact on increased cooperation and reduced rudeness, whining, and other difficult behaviors over time. 

Think of it this way: Connection is the “currency” of parent-child relationships. We gain “connection capital” every time we validate emotions and make time to be present. We spend “connection capital” every time we make decisions our kids dislike or ask them to do something they don’t want to do. We have to build up connection capital outside of tough moments, so we can spend it later inside of tough moments. 

Special Time is one of our go-to strategies for building connection: It’s a set amount of one-on-one time with your child without distractions or devices, where they get to decide what you do together.

5. Show them the way

Another outside-the-moment strategy is modeling: You can proactively help your child learn how to manage big feelings like anger, frustration, disappointment, and more by demonstrating realistic regulation yourself. 

When we model coping skills, we do something really powerful. We essentially “say” to our kids that parents also need to practice managing tough feelings and tricky moments. When we model, we leave our kids feeling less alone in their difficulties. For example:

  • Struggle to open a jar while cooking: “Ugh!!! This lid is so tight!! I can’t do it!” Then pause and say, “Ok deep breath… go slowly… I got this.”
  • Resist losing a board game: “No, no, no… I think I actually won, it’s just that you… Ah! I want to throw all my cards! Wait… I’m good inside… I’m good inside even when I lose… Okay. Good game, sweetie.”

Bonus: In witnessing you struggle, your kids might even offer you their own calm-down ideas, which helps remind them of their own regulation toolbox.

6. Highlight skills underneath good behavior

If we want to get the best out of our kids, we need to see the best in them. That’s why it’s so powerful to highlight our kids’ healthy regulation skills in between tough moments. 

How? Pay attention to “good behavior.” Maybe it’s your child taking a deep breath while doing homework or calmly asking for a toy back from their sibling. Instead of praising the behavior itself, recognize the skills underneath the behavior:

  • “Wow, even when things got hard, you didn’t give up. That’s something I really admire about you.”
  • “I noticed how calmly you asked for your toy back from your sister. You were angry, and you found a different way to tell her. You’re really learning to pay attention to your big feelings!”

By shifting our attention away from behavior and toward skills, we teach our child confidence and a self-belief that says, "Even when things feel hard on the outside, I am good inside.”

Why avoiding harsh discipline is essential

If you’re feeling skeptical about the Good Inside approach to discipline, consider this: At some point, your child will grow up and it will become impossible to actually enforce punishments or consequences. If you want them to cooperate with requests, come to you with questions, and spend time with you later, you need to start building the foundations of a safe and loving relationship now. 

Ultimately, the most powerful parenting tool we have is our relationship with our kids. Fear-based parenting strategies, like withholding dessert and spanking, strain this relationship by making our kids feel alone and ashamed—which research shows can negatively impact children’s mental health and development. Connection-based strategies, like Special Time, strengthen the relationship by helping our kids feel seen and supported. 

If you’re reading this and feeling guilty about past parenting moments, remember this: You’re a good parent who was doing your best with the resources you had at the moment. You didn’t mess up your child, and it’s never too late to show up as the parent you want to be. 

Do you think back on your parenting and wish you had done things differently? You’re not alone. Our workshop “Change the Way You Parent: It’s Never Too Late” will help you start showing up as the parent you want to be today.

Move towards healthy discipline with Good Inside

By embracing healthy discipline strategies that focus on teaching rather than punishing, you’ll not only build a more calm, loving home for your family—you’ll also help your child become a more empathetic, resilient, and self-aware person for years to come. 

If this feels hard, that’s because it is hard. Parenting is the most difficult job in the world, but you’re not alone. Whether you’re trying to conquer problem behaviors, navigate sibling dynamics, or reduce your child’s anxiety, Good Inside is here for you. 

As a global parenting community founded by mom of three, clinical psychologist, and #1 NYT best-selling author Dr. Becky Kennedy, Good Inside equips millions of parents with a new way of seeing and solving challenges in their homes. Featuring a library full of scripts and strategies for every situation, a community of like-valued parents, and live events with experts, we will help you become the parent you want to be in the moments that matter most.

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