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How to Handle Temper Tantrums and Meltdowns

Nothing is wrong with your child if they are having tantrums - in fact, tantrums are a normal part of child development.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

16 min read

kid running having a tantrum

Intro

Nothing is wrong with your child if they are having tantrums - in fact, tantrums are a normal part of child development. Tantrums are moments when a child’s feelings overpower their ability to manage those feelings. On the surface, we see a kid who is crying, whining, screaming, or flailing but under the surface, a tantrum means that a child is feeling overwhelmed, scared, and out-of-control.

Tantrums can occur in the privacy of your home or in a public setting like a grocery store. And while tantrums are challenging, exhausting, and inconvenient, once you understand your child’s tantrums and learn a few key strategies, you’ll know exactly how to manage tough tantrum moments - and have fewer of them.

What are temper tantrums?

Tantrums can look different from kid to kid. For some kids, tantrums bring out aggression, meaning hits, kicks, throwing items in a room. For other kids, tantrums bring out helplessness - which can look like falling on the floor and whining. For another group of kids, tantrums bring out defiance - meaning running away, laughing, engaging in destructive behavior.

Why do kids have tantrums?

There are many reasons why kids have so many temper tantrums. Tantrums are a sign that a child is overwhelmed by a distressing emotion - like frustration, disappointment, anger, or fear. It’s helpful to think about tantrums this way: kids are born with all of the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings. Tantrums are moments where there is a big mismatch - kids have a burst of a big feeling and don't - yet - have the emotion regulation (i.e., management) skills to handle it in a calm way. While tantrums are most common and intense in toddlers, they still happen with older children as well. 

Here’s something important to know: tantrums are not a sign of disobedience - rather, tantrums are a sign of dysregulation, which means the inability to manage emotional responses. And this makes sense because young kids are still learning how to communicate, how to understand their emotions, and how to tolerate not getting what they want. So remind yourself that your child is not giving you a hard time (even though it may feel like that!) - they are having a hard time. In other words, during a tantrum, kids are overwhelmed and need parental help.

How to prevent temper tantrums

Here’s some good news: there are things we can do to help children feel calm and grounded in emotional moments, and these strategies can stop tantrums before they start. With Emotional Vaccination, parents can prepare a child for a big-feeling moment, which makes a child less likely to feel surprised and overwhelmed when it comes. Emotional vaccination can be used to prepare a kid for a parent’s upcoming work trip or a cousin coming by for a playdate. Helping our kids prepare in advance for emotional times not only reduces tantrums, it also builds trust and closeness in the parent-child relationship. Here are three other strategies you can use to prevent tantrums:

Demonstrate calm reactions to stress

Children learn the most by watching us - and we can use this to our benefit by modeling healthy responses to stress in our life. You can struggle to put your shoe on and say aloud, “Ugh so frustrating! Ok let me take a deep breath, I can do this…” or you can have a hard time with a crossword puzzle and say aloud, “I can’t do this! This is so hard! Let me take a breath and take a break… and I can come back to it.” Modeling regulation in response to stress shows your child what it looks like to handle challenging situations calmly.

Provide your child with a sense of independence by offering choices

Children tantrum when they’re feeling out of control - and so giving children a small dose of control is often a way to stop a tantrum in its tracks. Giving a child a choice - and remembering to only give options that you approve of! - is a great way to help a child feel independent and capable and help yourself have a smooth, meltdown-free moment with your kid. Here are some examples: “It’s time to get dressed. Do you want to wear this red shirt or this blue shirt?” and “Oh we aren’t buying this cereal today. Do you want me to take a picture of it or write it down in a note so I can remember it for another time?” As you can see, these moments feel much better to a kid than the unilateral communication of only being told “It’s time to get dressed” or “We aren’t buying this cereal.”

Distract or redirect your child from the situation

Distraction and redirection are tools to use here and there as a way to avoid tantrums - the reason it’s important to not overutilize distraction and redirection is that we want to teach our kids how to manage feelings, not avoid feelings. Having said that, distraction and redirection can sometimes help a child shift focus and generate more positive emotion, which can be very helpful in a tricky situation. For example, a child who is having a tantrum about screen time ending might need a parent to create a compelling alternative for them by saying, “Oh! Look at this block tower I’m building now… want to help me? I want to make it SO tall.” In this way, your distraction and redirection is truly a form of connection, which always helps a kid feel calmer. Plus, shifting your child’s focus can be a helpful strategy when you’re not sure what led to your child’s meltdown and you need to act quickly to provide support.

Identify your child’s tantrum triggers

While we can’t stop all tantrums, we can become experts in understanding our kid’s triggers for tantrums - and also understanding our own triggers. Think of yourself as a tantrum detective - you’re looking to learn about what moments are hardest for your kids (and for you!) and what situations trigger your child into a tantrum state. The more you understand about what triggers your child, the more you will be able to provide the support your child needs.

Common tantrum triggers are: 

  • Feeling frustrated: it’s hard to work at something and not find success, and this is a common reason kids have tantrums
  • Wanting something and not getting it: when parents say no to a child’s request, many children’s unmet desires will overflow into a tantrum 
  • Being hungry or overtired: when your child hasn’t eaten in a while or is past their naptime or bedtime, get ready for a tantrum to happen
  • Feeling embarrassed in front of other people: some kids are prone to tantrums when they feel shame around making a mistake in front of others

Want to turn your knowledge into action and get a step-by-step plan for meltdowns, tantrums and more? In our Toddler Crash Course, you’ll learn everything you need to know so you can be the sturdy leader your child needs - and the sturdy leader we know is inside you!

How to deal with tantrums when they occur

The first step to dealing with tantrums is accessing your Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) of what’s happening. You can do this by simply asking yourself, “What is my Most Generous Interpretation of my child’s tantrums?” You’ll notice that as you practice your MGI muscle, you’ll think less about your child giving you a hard time and more about your child having a hard time and needing your support. Now that you have an MGI-perspective, you are seeing your child as your teammate in need of help, not your enemy in need of punishment. 

Here are some other things you can do during a tantrum:

Tell your child you understand their feelings

Our feelings aren’t overwhelming as much as feeling alone with our feelings is overwhelming. When you tell your child that you understand their feelings, you are removing their aloneness - and this almost always helps kids calm down. While validating feelings (“You’re mad! I know!”) is a common strategy and can be helpful, it’s often more effective to Validate the Magnitude of a child’s feelings (“You’re as mad as this whole room, no, this whole house! I know!”). Showing your child that you understand how they feel is an essential part of being a sturdy leader for them.

Be consistent about boundaries

Being a sturdy leader involves offering warm validation for feelings and maintaining firm boundaries at the same time. Boundaries are what show our child that we aren’t afraid of their feelings - because we are willing to hold a line and embrace their feelings, not avoid them. When it comes to setting boundaries and allowing feelings, remember that our kids’ feelings don’t dictate our boundaries and our boundaries don’t dictate their feelings.  

In other words - we have the right to set boundaries and our kids have the right to have feelings about it. At Good inside, we call this “Two Things are True” - the two things here being that we don’t have to choose between parents setting boundaries and kids having feelings. Both are allowed. These words may help hold boundaries and validate feelings: “Two things are true: screen time is over and you’re allowed to be upset. I know, sweetie, it’s hard to stop doing things we love” and “No more cookies tonight, sweetie. Two things are true: dessert is over and I know you wish you could have more.” Establishing consistent boundaries not only helps your child get through a tantrum, it’s also important for the safety of the child and others in their environment.

Stay close to your child until the tantrum ends

Tantrums can sometimes become dangerous - to a child and to other people around that child. It’s critical to stay physically close to your child while they are having a tantrum so you can keep everyone safe; after all, when a child is having a tantrum, they’re not in control of making good decisions, so staying close is important to reduce unintentional harm. While many parents have been taught that tantrums should be “ignored” or that staying present is giving a tantrum “positive reinforcement,” nothing could be further from the truth. Staying near a child is what your child needs to learn how to regulate emotions - while ignoring a tantrum only fuels more tantrums because a child feels alone, misunderstood, and “bad.”

There are many scripts you can use to be effective during a tantrum. If a child begins to throw toys during a tantrum, step in with this language: “I won’t let you throw toys” and step between your child and the toy bin so it can’t happen again. If your child begins to bang their head on the floor during a tantrum, step in with this language: “I won’t let you hurt yourself. I’m sitting behind you and stopping you from banging your head.” By staying with your child and preventing harm, you’re building connection with your child - and your child is learning that even in hard moments, you will be there to help them. And during the hardest moments of a tantrum, when it seems like your child can’t really process the words you’re saying, keep things simple like saying calmly and slowly, “I love you” and “I’m still here” - your child will feel supported instead of isolated during a challenging emotional time.

Get help managing tantrums and meltdowns from the Good Inside community

Tantrums are a common part of child development - and still, tantrums are exhausting, challenging, and often overwhelming to parents. Most parents don’t know how to appropriately manage tantrums because they didn’t have anyone in their own life who knew how to handle their overwhelming emotional moments. Plus, unlike in other jobs, parenting doesn’t come with training or a manual, so it’s no wonder so many parents feel overwhelmed. And at the same time, by learning a step-by-step game plan to manage and reduce tantrums, parents start to feel confident and hopeful - and more connected to their kid. 

Want to turn your knowledge into action and get a step-by-step plan for meltdowns, tantrums and more? In our Toddler Crash Course, you’ll learn everything you need to know so you can be the sturdy leader your child needs - and the sturdy leader we know is inside you! At Good Inside, we know that when parents have the resources and support they deserve, parenting becomes manageable - and even enjoyable and empowering. 

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