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How to Handle the “Terrible Twos”

The key to managing and understanding the two-year-old stage is learning why kids act out and have out-of-control behavior - and then, based on that understanding, learning interventions that help kids change.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

17 min read

girl tantrum on the floor

Intro

Welcome to the “terrible twos” - or, as you’ll see here, the turbulent twos. After all, your two-year-old is far from terrible - your two-year old is growing before your eyes, is more capable of communication, and is displaying more independence than ever before. Yes the twos will have tantrums and hitting and saying “no” and ignoring rules, but think about it this way: every journey has bumps along the way. After all, when a pilot is flying a plane, it’s likely that there will be turbulence on the way, right? Think of your two-year-old’s year ahead in the same way - as you both fly toward year 3, there will be turbulent stages - but we promise, the journey won’t be terrible, especially not if you have the resources and support you need

And here’s the most important thing to remember during the two-year-old year: your kid is good inside. That’s right! When your kid has a grocery store meltdown, they are good inside; when your kid bites, they are good inside; when your kid ignores your request, they are good inside. Separating behaviors - what your kid does - from identity - who your kid is reminds you that underneath “bad” behavior is always a good kid. The key to managing and understanding the two-year-old stage is learning why kids act out and have out-of-control behavior - and then, based on that understanding, learning interventions that help kids change.

What are the “terrible twos?”

The terrible twos, or as we say here, the turbulent twos, are often marked by tantrums, whining, kicking, screaming, flailing, and behavior that seems defiant - not listening, running away, ignoring instructions. It’s important to remember that these behaviors, while completely exhausting and inconvenient to deal with, are part of normal toddler development - in other words, there is nothing wrong with you or your kid when they act out in these ways.

There are many causes of the “terrible twos” - or as we say here, the turbulent twos. The most common are:

  • Emotional development: Kids are born with all the feelings in the world and none of the skills to manage those feelings. Two-year-olds simply don’t yet know how to handle anger or frustration or disappointment and so these feelings explode out of their body in the form of behavior.
  • Desire for independence: Two-year-olds are excited about everything they can finally do - and understandably frustrated by all the things they still cannot do. Two-year-olds are like mini-teenagers in their desire to be separate from parents and handle things on their own, which means when parents have to - understandably and importantly! - still be in control, two-year-olds have a hard time.
  • Intellectual changes: The two-year-old year is a time of major intellectual growth - and while this is something to be celebrated, it’s also one of the reasons for challenging behavior. After all, two-year-olds can understand so much more than they can express, and so they are often very frustrated when they can’t get their point across.

Here’s what’s key: your child’s less-than-ideal behavior is not a reflection of their character, their future behavior, or your parenting! At the age of two, it is expected for your child to often have emotion dysregulation - which is when emotions are overwhelming and take over. The most important thing during the two-year-old year is to help your child gain more emotion regulation, which is their ability to manage emotions that come their way. And the best strategy to help a child move from dysregulation to regulation is Co-Regulation - is the process by which parents help a child by staying calm, themselves, during a child’s emotional storm. One way parents can prepare to co-regulate with their child is watching for behaviors where a child is in need of emotion regulation help.

Signs of the “terrible twos”

Not all children exhibit the same signs of the “turbulent twos” - and behaviors kids display during the two-year-old year may also be present before age two and age two as well. Remember that what people call the “terrible twos”is really just a way of saying that toddlers don’t yet have the capability to regulate their emotions, and this isn’t limited to the age of two! If your child is having big tantrums or problem behaviors after the age of two, it’s just a sign that your child needs some support learning emotion regulation skills - it’s not a sign that anything is wrong with you or your kid.

Some common challenges that surface around age two include:

  • Throwing tantrums: Tantrums look like crying, kicking, screaming, flailing, and arching on the ground. And while tantrums can look aggressive, they are actually a sign of a child’s struggle - a child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. Tantrums are not a sign of disobedience - they are simply a sign that a child is overwhelmed and in need of help from a loving parent. And while tantrums may be distressing, there are ways to handle them that empower parents and children.
  • Demonstrating problem behaviors like kicking, hitting, and biting. Kicking, hitting, and biting are common problem behaviors in the two-year-old year and are not a sign that you have a “mean” or “bad” kid. In these moments, your good kid is having a hard time and is overwhelmed with a feeling like anger or frustration. Your child may engage in a problem behavior when they are struggling to wait their tun or share their toys or deal with the disappointment of hearing you say “no” to their request. Also, aggressive problem behaviors can happen when kids feel discouraged or unable to exercise their autonomy.
  • Getting easily frustrated when feeling misunderstood. Feeling misunderstood is a common struggle for two-year-olds. Two-year-olds feel frustrated often - and at the same time, they have not yet developed frustration tolerance, which are the skills we use to manage frustration when we feel it. Frustration tolerance is one of the best skills a parent can teach a child during their toddler years - because early on, frustration tolerance skills are what help kids stay calm when upset and have fewer meltdowns and long-term, the same frustration tolerance skills help kids learn how to read and write. It’s also important to keep in mind that when a child is frustrated, they may have a tantrum and are less likely to follow rules or listen.
  • Saying “no”. It’s normal for two-year-olds to say no to parents’ requests! Your child is trying to figure out who they are as an independent person, and saying no to your requests is one way to communicate, “Hey, I am a separate person than you are!” Testing boundaries is developmentally appropriate, as this is one way that a child is figuring out how to assert themselves. Remember that you have a good kid and watch out for the “My kid doesn’t listen to me!” mindset - because if we see our kid as an enemy and not a teammate, there will only be more power struggles and meltdowns.
  • Having big feelings or mood swings. It’s normal for two-year-olds to have big emotions and sudden mood changes - after all, your child’s ability to feel emotions is much greater than their ability to manage feelings. Emotion regulation refers to your child’s ability to stay grounded in the face of strong emotions and there are many things parents can do during the two-year-old year to help a child learn emotion regulation skills. Learning emotion regulation skills is the most important task of childhood - after all, as your child gets older, they will still have big emotions like anger and frustration and jealousy and disappointment, and so we want to be sure we help them build skills to handle these experiences. Emotion regulation skills will mean more confidence and resilience and less overwhelm and fewer meltdowns.

How to handle the “terrible twos”

More than anything else, during the “turbulent twos” (remember, they don’t have to be so terrible!), a child needs a parent’s sturdy presence during tough times. Sturdy leadership from parents is most in times of distress. It is often embodied by a Two Things Are True mentality where we recognize that our kids’ feelings don’t dictate our decisions and our decisions don’t dictate our kids’ feelings. In other words, our job is to set boundaries to keep our kid safe and our kids’ job is to have feelings about our boundaries at the same time.

Here are a few ways to show up as a sturdy leader and manage problem behaviors during the two-year-old stage:

  • Give them choices. Giving a child a choice - and remembering to only give options that you approve of! - is a great way to help a child feel independent and capable and help yourself have a smooth, meltdown-free moment with your kid. Here are some examples: “It’s time to get dressed. Do you want to wear black pants or blue pants?” and “It’s bath time. Do you want to race to the bath or have me carry you to the bath? ” As you can see, these moments feel much better to a kid than the unilateral communication of only being told “It’s time to get dressed” or “Go to the bath NOW!”
  • Redirect instead of distract them. Distraction and redirection are tools to use infrequently - after all, we want to teach our kids how to manage feelings, not avoid feelings. Having said that, distraction and redirection can sometimes help a child shift focus and generate more positive emotion, which can be helpful in a tricky situation. Here’s an example: you’re in a grocery store and your child is upset when you won’t buy a certain item - redirection might sound like, “Hey I need your help picking out 5 lemons!”
  • Keep a regular routine. Routines help bring calm and comfort to two-year-olds - after all, your toddler is trying to figure out how they world works around them, so knowing what to expect and having a familiar part of their day feels like a secure part of their day. Routines sound sleep, separation at daycare, and mealtimes are especially for two-year-olds. When a child knows what to expect, they are less likely to be overwhelmed with surprise - which means more calm and fewer meltdowns.
  • Stay calm. The best way to show up as a sturdy leader to your child is to work on your ability to stay calm in tough moments. Knowing that the two-year-old year will have moments with tantrums and not-listening and problem behaviors helps parents think about how to prepare for these inevitably challenging moments. Learning mantras to stay calm and practicing these mantras in calm moments will help you access them in heightened moments - and help you bring out the sturdy leader inside you.

How long do the “terrible twos” last?

Most parents want to know how long the “terrible twos” will last - and actually, reframing this year as the “turbulent twos” helps us understand that there will likely be turbulent moments throughout our child’s development. If we’re honest with ourselves, even in adulthood we have days and weeks and months that are more turbulent than others. What matters most is remembering that turbulence is normal and that the more you empower yourself with resources and support, the more you will actually build your confidence as you get through turbulent stages.

And here’s some great news: the more you understand what’s really happening under your toddler’s behavior, the more confidence you will have in your ability to guide your child through this phase of development. In other words, understand first and intervene second. Because when parents understand their kids’ behavior and know how to help their kids in tough moments, they’ll watch their toddlers become more resilient and in-control of their emotions. When it comes to the toddler stage, two things are true: yes these years are turbulent and yes it’s possible to feel empowered, equipped, and confident as a parent.

Navigate the “terrible twos” with the help of Good Inside

The two-year-old year gets a bad reputation - the year isn’t so terrible at all, in fact it is filled with so much growth and learning and positive change! And just like any journey that brings change, it will have turbulent moments. There will be moments that can feel overwhelming for both parents and children - especially when neither knows how to handle tricky moments. 

Most parents don’t know how to appropriately manage the “terrible twos” because they didn’t have anyone in their own life who knew how to handle their emotional needs. Plus, unlike in other jobs, parenting doesn’t come with training or a manual, so it’s no wonder so many parents feel overwhelmed. And at the same time, by learning a step-by-step game plan to tantrums, not-listening, sleep issues, and more, parents start to feel confident and hopeful - and more connected to their kid. 

Want to turn your knowledge into action and get a step-by-step plan for the two-year-old year? In our Toddler Crash Course, you’ll learn everything you need to know so you can be the sturdy leader your child needs - and the sturdy leader we know is inside you! At Good Inside, we know that when parents have the resources and support they deserve, parenting becomes manageable - and even enjoyable and empowering. 

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