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How to Handle Your Child’s Backtalk

Once parents understand why backtalk occurs and the most effective ways of responding to it, communication between parents and kids becomes much calmer and more respectful.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

10 min read

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Intro

Backtalk is one of the most common triggers for parents - with worries like, “Does my kid not respect me?” and “I would have never talked back to my parents like this, what’s wrong with my kid and what’s wrong with me?” These worries often launch us into child-as-enemy mode where we see our child is disrespectful and rude and we have the urge to punish, lecture, and scream. Backtalk from a child is understandably frustrating for parents, especially if it seems like “nothing is working” to increase peace in your home.

Backtalk, while frustrating, is a normal part of child development - after all, kids are trying to figure out how to assert their independence and how to express their strong emotions, and without having the emotion regulation skills they need to express themselves effectively, back talk is common. And here’s some good news: once parents understand why backtalk occurs and the most effective ways of responding to it, communication between parents and kids becomes much calmer and more respectful. In this article, you’ll learn a new framework to understand backtalk and strategies and scripts to reduce it.

Here are some proven tips to respond to backtalk in the moment:

Stay calm and composed

When you hear backtalk, the first and most important thing is to try to stay calm - this is because a child who is talking back is actually overwhelmed with emotion, which is why their words may come out in a rude tone. Staying calm as a parent is what allows the situation to de-escalate - and from there, a productive respectful conversation can occur.  

Here’s an example: you tell your child that it’s bedtime and your child yells, “No! I’m staying up late! You can’t make me go to bed!” It’s natural to want to snap back, “Don’t talk to me that way!” or “No iPad for a week!” And yet, these reactions only escalate the situation and leave a child even more dysregulated and overwhelmed. In this moment, what matters most is for a parent to take a deep breath and repeat the mantra, “I’m safe, this isn’t an emergency, I can cope” - and from here, they can pause and respond instead of react. Staying calm and composed is what allows parents to show up as a sturdy leader who can hold boundaries from a place of groundedness. 

If backtalk is common and your child also displays other problem behaviors, we can help you turn things around. You’re a good parent with a good kid and you just need the right resources. It’s not too late - so check out one of our most popular courses, Conquering Problem Behaviors: Parenting Strategies for Hitting, Biting, Rudeness, and More

Establish boundaries and expectations

Establish boundaries and expectations

When your child talks back or uses rude words, remember that you have lots of options between “doing nothing” and punishing your child. After you’ve calmed your body, tell your child your boundaries regarding expectations, communication rules, and tone of voice. This might sound like this: “Woah, I can tell you have something important to tell me - but I can’t listen when you say it that way. I need us both to take a pause and deep breath and then please try again - you can tell me you’re mad while still speaking slowly and respectfully.” Here, you’re establishing and holding boundaries that make you comfortable staying in the conversation while you’re still remaining connected to your kid.

Rethink consequences for backtalk

Parents often worry that if they don’t give a consequence for backtalk, they are unintentionally “reinforcing” backtalk or sending the message that it’s “ok” for a child to talk to them in this way. And yet, here’s how we see it at Good Inside: consequences and punishments add more disconnection to a relationship, and kids (like adults!) are more likely to be rude to people when they feel rejected, misunderstood, and disconnected from them. Consequences tend to backfire for this reason.

This isn’t to say that you have to greet your child’s backtalk with a celebration. Instead, see the good inside your kid and let them know that you believe in their capability to speak to you in a kinder way; kids often need parents to see their potential before they can bring it out. This might sound like saying, “I know you are a good kid and I know you can say that again in a kinder way.” Rethinking consequences allows you to stay connected to your kid and to focus and better understand why the behavior is occurring in the first place.

Find the cause or the problem behavior

No intervention for backtalk will be successful if parents aren’t able to better understand why it’s happening in the first place. For most kids, talking back comes from feeling unseen or unimportant - which may happen when parents make decisions without talking to their kids in advance. This is not to say children should be consulted on all decisions but rather that letting your child know about your decisions and empathizing with their feelings is what helps kids feel more real and seen - and less likely to talk back in a rude way.

For example, instead of telling your child, “You have to go with me to the store. Let’s go and stop whining!” to which a child may feel ignored and be likely to talkback, share with your child, “We have to go to the store later today. I know, you’d rather stay home and play. It’s hard to do things we don’t want to do and I know you can do it,” to which a child feels connected and seen and is less likely to talkback. 

Focusing on the underlying cause of backtalk, or any problem behavior, doesn’t justify the behavior - it is what allows parents to be successful in building emotion regulation skills which is the best way to improve behavior. 

Praise the good behavior

Backtalk isn’t a sign that you have a “bad kid” - in fact, we know you have a good kid and you’re a good parent and that you can turn things around in your home. It’s very challenging to deal with backtalk from kids, as it’s common for parents to feel triggered and angry. Part of the reason backtalk is so frustrating is because most parents are told to punish kids in response - which only leads to more backtalk!

By gaining a deep understanding of the reasons of why backtalk occurs, parents can learn a new set of strategies that put this understanding into action - and lead to effective, lasting change. By embracing healthy strategies for backtalk and rudeness that focus on teaching rather than punishing, you’ll not only build a more calm, loving home for your family—you’ll also help your child become a more empathetic, resilient, and self-aware person for years to come.

Want to turn your knowledge into action and get a step-by-step plan? In our Rudeness and Disrespect Crash Course, you’ll learn everything you need to know so you can have more calm, cooperation, and peace in your home - and more connection with your kid.

Tame the backtalk with help from Good Inside

Backtalk isn’t a sign that you have a “bad kid” - in fact, we know you have a good kid and you’re a good parent and that you can turn things around in your home. It’s very challenging to deal with backtalk from kids, as it’s common for parents to feel triggered and angry. Part of the reason backtalk is so frustrating is because most parents are told to punish kids in response - which only leads to more backtalk!

By gaining a deep understanding of the reasons of why backtalk occurs, parents can learn a new set of strategies that put this understanding into action - and lead to effective, lasting change. By embracing healthy strategies for backtalk and rudeness that focus on teaching rather than punishing, you’ll not only build a more calm, loving home for your family—you’ll also help your child become a more empathetic, resilient, and self-aware person for years to come.

Want to turn your knowledge into action and get a step-by-step plan? In our Rudeness and Disrespect Crash Course, you’ll learn everything you need to know so you can have more calm, cooperation, and peace in your home - and more connection with your kid.

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