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How to Help Your Child With Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety, while normal and developmentally appropriate, can feel distressing to kids and parents. But remember: just because your child has separation anxiety, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t separate from your child… in fact, quite the opposite, separation is healthy and important for children!

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

11 min read

little girl holding on to parents leg

Intro

Our children are always attuned to themes of change and separation – why? Because their survival depends on it – after all, kids need US even more than they need food, shelter and water because we are the people who give them food, shelter, and water as well as other critical factors in survival like love and connection. So if school drop off or leaving for work or going out to date night is hard on your child… it makes sense! These moments, while they may seem small, can feel huge to a kid who always has abandonment and loneliness fears in the back of their minds - which is why separation anxiety surfaces.

Separation anxiety, while normal and developmentally appropriate, can feel distressing to kids and parents. But remember: just because your child has separation anxiety, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t separate from your child… in fact, quite the opposite, separation is healthy and important for children! Once you learn how to separate in a way that gives your child (and you!) the skills they need, you’ll feel much more comfortable saying goodbye. In this article, you’ll learn what separation anxiety is and how you can help your child overcome it.

What is separation anxiety in children?

Separation anxiety are feelings of worry and discomfort children have when they have to spend time away from a parent. Separation anxiety is most common from 9 months through 4 or 5 years old; having said that, it’s perfectly normal for a child to have a stage in separation anxiety after the age of 5. Separation anxiety isn’t a sign that anything is wrong with your kid - separation anxiety only means that your child needs help feeling more comfortable in your absence. Separation anxiety is a normal part of child development and there are many things you can do to help make separation easier.

You asked, we are now able to deliver: the step-by-step actionable game plan for how to help your child manage separation anxiety: Parenting Kids With Anxiety and Worry: What’s Really Going On and How to Help

How to help your child overcome separation anxiety

Kids have a hard time separating from us because a parent’s presence makes them feel safe - which means a parent’s separation or absence leads to feeling vulnerable. In moments of separation, more than anything else, our child is assessing whether we believe they are safe in our absence - which is why our kids need to feel our sturdiness when they are having a hard time. Our kids need to feel that we can tolerate their tears and their fears, that we can empathize with their feelings… and that we do not get sucked into the vortex of their feelings. 

Here is a list of tips you can use to help your child manage separation anxiety:

Introduce new caregivers and environments gradually

As tempting as it might be to drop your child off at daycare and immediately zoom away, staying present with your child as they explore a new environment and meet caregivers will lessen your child’s sense of fear that accompanies separation. By staying present as your child gets used to new people and places, you’re allowing your child to absorb the sense of safety they feel with you - which allows them to feel more comfortable separating. For example, you might sit in your child’s classroom for some time before you separate from them. This can help the child prepare for separations and make them feel less scary.

Practice by starting with short separations

Think of separation as something to “work up to” with your child - rather than something that is all-of-nothing. Short separations are easier for kids than longer ones and allow your child to “practice separation” and feel more comfortable with their time away from you. For example, when leaving your child with a grandparent for the first time, you might first take a long bathroom break or even a private phone call in a separate room before leaving them alone with the grandparent for an hour. This is one way your child can build mastery when separating from you.

Let your child take a toy or blanket from home

Transitional objects - or items that help your child transition from a familiar environment to a less familiar one - help children feel safer in separation. Transitional objects may be a lovie or a favorite toy, or anything that helps a child feel a sense of connection to their parent during separation. Some children love having a picture of their parent with them as a concrete reminder of their parent’s presence. Transitional objects and pictures help buffer the intense emotions kids can feel after saying goodbye.

Keep goodbyes quick and positive

The best separation routines and goodbyes are short and confident; after all, when parents linger, children believe that parents don’t feel safe with separation - which of course only makes a child more anxious. To be clear, there’s a difference between short and rushed - children certainly don’t want to be left suddenly and it is always better to let your child know that separation is happening rather than “slipping away” without saying something. Practicing a script to use if your child cries at separation will help you go into the separation moment feeling empowered and ready; no matter what words you use, assure your child that you will return to get them.

Tell your child when you’ll be back and what you’ll do afterward

Confusion always makes anxiety worse for kids while clarity helps kids feel safer. Telling your child that you will be back reassures a child that they’re safe and their time away from their parent isn’t permanent. Children also benefit from hearing what you’ll do with them after you pick them up - so share things like “After school, we will go home together” or “After I pick you up, we’ll get a snack together.” Separation, while it can be tough, is important for kids to develop feelings of confidence and independence, and when you know what to do before, during and after tough separations, you’ll feel equipped to handle anything that comes your way.

Give your child positive attention to foster self-esteem

When it comes to separation, most parents focus on saying goodbye - what’s important to know is how we approach reunion has a huge impact on a kid’s anxiety - and on their self-esteem. When you pick up your child, greet them with excitement (“I’m so happy to see you”) and Tell the Story of what happened - in other words, walk through how separation went, what happened next, and how you came back and came together again. You might say: “I took you to daycare, you were a little nervous to say goodbye, I knew you’d be safe, you played with friends, and I came back just like I said I would!” Telling the Story is just one separation tool - and having the right tools and support are essential to helping your child feel safe and confident during separation.

Support your child’s healthy independence with help from Good Inside

Separation anxiety is a normal part of child development - after all, it makes sense that a child would feel worried about leaving us given we are their secure base in life! And it makes sense that parents, too, would feel anxious - it can be hard to say goodbye and it can be hard to see your kid upset. By connecting with your child about their feelings around separation and establishing routines a child can rely on, you can help your child become more confident and independent during separation.

Most parents don’t know how to manage separation anxiety or build a child’s confidence simply because these things aren’t “natural” to know! Unlike in other jobs, parenting doesn’t come with training or a manual, so it’s no wonder parents feel overwhelmed. And at the same time, by learning a step-by-step game plan to reduce separation anxiety and increase confidence and independence , parents start to feel confident and hopeful - and more connected to their kid. 

Want to turn your knowledge into action and get a step-by-step plan? In our Kids Anxiety Course, you’ll learn everything you need to know so you can be the sturdy leader your child needs - and the sturdy leader we know is inside you! At Good Inside, we know that when parents have the resources and support they deserve, parenting becomes manageable - and even enjoyable and empowering. 

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