How to Stop Your Child’s Whining

As soon as parents start to understand what’s happening under a whine and feel equipped with strategies to respond to whining, whining becomes much more manageable.

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

11 min read

If whining gets under your skin... join the club. I'm a founding member. We're in this together. For many parents, whining is one of their child’s most irritating, unnerving, frustrating behaviors; at the same time, as soon as parents start to understand what’s happening under a whine and feel equipped with strategies to respond to whining, whining becomes much more manageable.

In addition to learning how to manage whining, there are also ways to minimize whining through strategies that benefit both the child and the parent. After reading this article, you’ll have a completely new perspective on why whining happens and a new toolbelt of whining-specific strategies and scripts.

Does whining get under your skin to the point that you scream or say words you wish you could take back? If so, you’re not alone, I know you’re a good parent who loves your kid, and it’s possible to reduce the intensity of this whining trigger. Your step-by-step solution is right here: Common Triggers: Working Through Whining, Tantrums & Defiance

How to get your child to stop whining

If you’re like most parents, you want a whining solution that ensures your child will never whine again! And while this isn’t possible, what is possible is actually much more powerful - you can learn how to see whining differently and how to stay calm during whining moments, and this is actually much more of a superpower than anything else.

Here are some proven tips for what to do when your child starts whining:

Stay calm and don’t give in.

When your child is whining, the first thing to focus on is staying calm - this is because a whining child is actually feeling helpless and disconnected, and they need to absorb your calm so they can feel calm. When it comes to “not giving in,” too often parents think about this as the need to “win” or “not let their kid win”; at Good Inside, we think about “not giving in” not in terms of a power move but as a form of holding a boundary, which is a key part of being a sturdy leader to your child.

Being a sturdy leader is all about staying calm and holding your boundary. When your child whines after you hold a boundary, use a script like “I know this isn’t what you wanted” or “It’s ok to be upset” - and if staying calm and maintaining your decision in the face of your child’s whining is hard for you, practice scripts to use after you set a boundary in advance. What’s key is to remember that you can both set rules and acknowledge your emotions.

Here’s a powerful piece of parenting knowledge: under a whine is often a wish. And one of the best ways to respond to whining is to pretend you have on a magic pair of glasses that sees through the whine to the underlying wish. This would allow you to hear a kid whine, “No more screen timeeeeee?” and say back, “You wish you could have more screen time” - or to hear a kid whine, “But Pria is allowed to have cookies every night!” and say back, “You wish you could have cookies every night, huh.”

Remember: behavior is a window into your child’s experience, and the more you see whining as a sign your child is struggling or upset, the less triggered you will be by it. And the more you understand the reason for your child’s whining, the more able you will be to teach your child how to communicate about their emotions in other ways.

Model how to communicate effectively.

One of the best ways to reduce whining is to actually whine - yourself! - in front of your child and then, right after, take a deep breath and model how to communicate more effectively. Kids learn best by watching what people are doing - not by hearing what they should be doing. By modeling skills instead of teaching skills, you’re showing your child that everyone whines sometimes - and that it’s possible to shift gears and use a non-whining voice.

The next time you’re with your kid, adopt a whining voice and say something like, “Ugh!! I don’t have any more apples and I really wanted to eat oneeeee!” Then, right then and there, take a deep breath and say, “Ok wait wait… I can cope with this… I can cope with this… Im disappointed that I have no apples and I’ll find another snack.” In this way, you’re Modeling Realistic Regulation which shows your child how to make changes themselves. And while kids whine for various reasons, when they have the emotion regulation skills they need, whining becomes much less frequent.

Provide positive attention no matter what.

This seems counterintuitive, but the most powerful strategy to reduce whining is connection. After all, the more disconnected a child feels from a parent, the more out-of-control they feel - which leads to more whining. By contrast, giving positive attention to your child by saying, “Hey I’m right here” and “I know you have something important to tell me, I’m listening” increase connection, which decreases whining. By showing up in a calm and connected way, you’re providing co-regulation in your child’s difficult whining moment.

Why do kids whine?

Why do our kids whine? Hear me out on a few ideas:

Kids whine because they're feeling helpless. Whining is a sign of desire (i.e., “I want something!”) plus powerlessness (i.e., “I feel ineffective!”), and there’s not much harder than feeling those two things together. Confession: most of us adults whine under these conditions as well. Think about being desperate for a coffee and an employee of the coffee shop saying to you “We’re opening late today.” Lots of us might whine, “Pleeeeeeease?” because we feel desperate and powerless.
Kids whine because they’re looking for connection. Kids often feel alone and ignored when they’re whining. When kids whine, connection doesn’t mean “giving in” - connection means humor (“Oh no, the whines snuck in again!”), or validation (“I know you want this so badly.”), or hugs (#TheFillUpGame).
Kids whine because they’re looking for a release. Sometimes kids are having a bad day and whining is a sign that they are just overwhelmed and want to cry and let it all out. Kids show the widest range of emotions to the adults they feel safest with - and so while whining and crying may not be enjoyable, know that it may be a sign your child just needs to let it all out.

What’s important to know is that kids don’t whine to upset their parents - they whine because they don’t know how to effectively manage their emotions and get their needs met. Reminding yourself, “My kid is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time” helps remember that you are your child’s teammate - not enemy - in whining moments. Approaching your child from a place of help, not punishment, is what your kid needs to learn how to regulate their emotions and decrease whining - and when parents have trusted resources and support at their fingertips, this becomes possible.

See the good in your child - and in yourself - with Good Inside

Kids don’t whine to annoy their parents, kids don’t whine because they’re spoiled, and kids don’t whine to get their way. Kids whine because they’re overwhelmed with frustration and helplessness and because they don’t feel as connected as they want. And while whining can feel overwhelming to parents, it’s possible to address whining in a healthy and productive way.

If parenting feels hard, that’s because it is hard. Parenting is the most difficult job in the world, but you’re not alone. Whether you’re trying to conquer whining or tantrums or problem behaviors or your child’s anxiety, Good Inside is here for you.

As a global parenting community founded by mom of three, clinical psychologist, and #1 NYT best-selling author Dr. Becky Kennedy, Good Inside equips millions of parents with a new way of seeing and solving challenges in their homes. Featuring a library full of scripts and strategies for every situation, a community of like-valued parents, and live events with experts, we will help you become the parent you want to be in the moments that matter most.

Intro
How to get your child to stop whining
Stay calm and don’t give in.
Don’t pay attention to the whining, pay attention to the wish.
Model how to communicate effectively.
Provide positive attention no matter what.
Why do kids whine?
See the good in your child - and in yourself - with Good Inside

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